1 star I love the cover for this book. I lost count of the number of times I wanted to stop reading this book, but I’d requested an ARC so I felt obligated to complete it. Anyone who has read my reviews knows that I love the retelling of a classic fairytale and this one was supposed to be about Hansel and Gretel. Aside from the main characters being named Hansel and Gretel, with the last name Lederhosen, in a truly ham-fisted attempt at a German last name, there was no allusion to the fairytale until near the end. The lead up to that was both stupefying in its banality and disheartening in its lack of finesse. This is one of the most poorly written stories I’ve had to read in recent memory, and I’ll be the first to admit I’ve stumbled onto some stinkers lately. There are some books that are so bad you want to move on quickly and forget about them, writing as little in the way of a review as possible because it’s just not worth the effort. There are others that are so bad, you find yourself compelled to share some of the atrocities as if you can gain some sympathy for what you survived. This was one of the latter. I try to be as compassionate as possible when writing a review if I don’t like the book. Not everyone is going to love every book and I admire anyone who takes the time to pen something that can be so daunting and put it out there for others to judge. But sometimes, the need to judge the literary quality of someone’s book outweighs the ability to be empathetic. Sometimes we need to concern ourselves with the readers more than the writers. I don’t want anyone to waste their time, or more importantly money, on this book because it does not warrant the expenditure of either. The book starts with some inexplicable late-night horror involving the Lederhosen family. There seems to be some kind of monster trying to get into the house and the parents (Hans and Phoebe) decide to take Hansel and Gretel and move away. Without any semblance of a transition, the next chapter begins with a recently-widowed Gretel and her teenaged mixed-race daughter. We follow Amodiya (the daughter) to her first day at school and Gretel to her first day at work, as a pediatric doctor in a hospital. Gretel meets her new boss who asks her about herself. Gretel explains her medical background, finishing by saying, “I have been able to do some amazing things with the help of God.” Here is the the actual dialogue that follows that statement: “That’s really great but not what I was asking you about. I want to know more about you...your personality.” “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you meant my work stuff. I am recently a widower. I have a fourteen-year-old daughter, who’s truly amazing. I like to read, paint, and crochet. I am an outgoing person who is fun to work with. Is that what you meant?” “Yes. Samantha (the boss) got up from her chair and walked over to the desk. She pressed the buzzer and Monica reappeared. “Please show Dr. Cyprain around, Monica. Gretel, it is a pleasure to welcome you to our team.” (All of that was taken directly from the book.) Talk about awkward. Your boss asks you about yourself and as soon as you finish, she dismisses you without responding in any substantive way. Just, “yes,” and now you can go. I wish this was the only example of awkward exchanges. The narrator goes back to Awodiya at school, complete with rude teachers and students (and no new friends, but possible interest from a boy she meets just before leaving). One of the teachers introduces herself and then the bell rings and everyone leaves class. That was the second class of the day and then the school day was over and she went outside to wait for her mom. Meanwhile, Gretel gets a tour of the hospital in the morning, picks her daughter up after school and brings her to work with her, only to get a second tour of the hospital and be shown the location of her office. It didn’t make any sense. Then, the scene shifts again to Phoebe, Hans, and Hasel, vacationing on Miami Beach in Florida. After a mishap that causes Hans to be taken to the hospital, Hansel calls Gretel and guilt-trips her into dropping everything to come to the hospital. At the hospital, the doctor asks if Phoebe needs a translator and she responds, “Nien.” When responding to a question about whether you need a translator, it’s generally considered a good idea to answer in the language in which the question was asked to avoid confusion. Gretel and Awodiya fly to Florida to be with the family. They need to go to the mall to buy some necessities because they left town without going home to pack first. Awodiya has to stop herself from getting excited about being at the mall. “She got some nice clothes and couldn’t wait to show her friends back home.” But she had no friends back home, as we were clearly shown at the beginning of the book. I don’t want to take the time to break down the entire plot of the story, except to say it was tedious and senseless. When Hansel asks his mom what she’ll do after her husband dies, she says, “I will take some time to mourn and then we shall all move in with Gretel.” Nobody bothered to check with Gretel; it was just assumed. There were so many inconsistencies to this story, I started to question my ability to remember things. For example, Awodiya and Phoebe get into an elevator at the hospital, leaving Gretel and Hansel behind, and Awodiay tells Phoebe something and then says, “Right, Mom?” Another example: they all fly to Gretel’s new home and ship the father’s body there for the funeral. She is sad that her father will never see her new home. “Her parents were supposed to come visit but something always came up.” The next day (I think), they go to the service for her father and the church is full of his friends. Where did they come from? If they lived so close by, why didn’t her parents ever come to visit her? Dialogue was stilted, there were no transitions between scenes, and characters were two-dimensional caricatures. On a few occasions, “passed” was used in place of “past.” The characters kept working in statements about God, but this was my favorite. In the hospital, Gretel asks the doctor, “What are his chances?” The doctor replies, “Only the good Lord knows the answer to that.” What Twilight Zone hospital did they step into where doctors say they don’t know anything and only God knows? I was getting close to the end and thought, if nothing else, I could see the author’s take on the Hansel and Gretel story, but just as it was getting to that part of the story, it ended. No, the story didn’t actually end. The book ended like this: “Hope you enjoyed this little excerpt, be sure to order a copy if you liked it!” I did not. I won’t even bother critiquing the grammar/punctuation of that last statement because I’m just done. I was told I was receiving an ARC, not a partial ARC, and after making the effort to read what I was sent, I feel manipulated. This was a complete and utter waste of time. (If you want to read a truly original take on this fairytale, try this: https://www.mumbermag.me/2020/04/03/hansel/?utm_source=newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=a_post_apocalyptic_hansel_and_gretel&utm_term=2020-11-25. It’s free too.) November 17, 2020
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September 2022
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