4 stars I received an ARC of this book from Netgalley. It sounded interesting, but it was nothing like what I expected. Although extremely well-written, it was also extremely unpleasant to read. The memoir tells the story of a young woman named Kathy, or rather, Marina (but no one knows) who is a virgin by choice. She allows this label to define her and wears it defiantly, allowing herself to be offended by anyone and everyone who thinks differently than she does. She goes through dozens and dozens of men, kissing all of them, and from my perspective, leading them on and setting traps for them. The moment one of them wants more, she wants nothing more to do with him. There seems to be nothing that any of them can do to please her, and it got to the point where I was dreading the demise of each relationship because I thought she was totally unreasonable and self-sabotaging. Her adoptive mother is, in a word, a bitch. She’s rotten to Kathy—mentally, emotionally, and spiritually abusive/negligent. And Kathy wants her mother’s approval so desperately. It’s depressing to read. I really did feel for her, but I also wanted to protect myself. I’m glad that she finally escaped. There are some great insights and observations about misogyny prevalent in society, and as I said, it was extremely well-written, but I cannot recommend it because it’s so damned unpleasant. I have to give it four stars because of the caliber of writing, but I can’t give it five because I hated it. Nevertheless, there are some quotes I think are worth sharing. A few of the brief quotes are just so profound, while some are just so cleverly stated. Kathy thinks her virginity will protect her from the intimacy she fears, but then she realizes “...my virginity is bait, not a boundary.” Thinking about her mother Ann: “...I wonder why it is Ann who gets to mother me. Why does she get to mis-mother me?” “Time subtracts the space that separates us.” She says this about her proximity to a boy she likes. And this one is just so depressing, yet so reflective of what her adoptive mother has created. “That’s what love ends up being: barbed wire that traps and tears and hurts.” I hope she has changed her view on this. I think she has. Describing one of the boys she dates, Kathy observes, “There is an urgency in his movements, a persistence that takes me off guard and then puts me on guard.” When she stands up to her mother, she thinks, “She knows I will give in to her, come crawling for forgiveness, be the obedient girl I have served up to her each and every time I find myself invisible in her presence, trapped in the tethered and austere knots of her disapproval like a bug fastened to the sticky webs of a mother-spider awaiting to devour her prey.” And also regarding her mother: “I take it like a victim because I don’t know what else to do. Because she hasn’t seen me yet, and I know that deep down, she loves me, and one day, she will see me. She shames me because she loves me. She accuses me because she loves me.” Kathy is an excellent student and an avid learner. She wants to “...eat knowledge in fistfuls without napkins, utensils, or any kind of proper etiquette, licking my finger at the taste of what I have learned.” When she describes her relationship with John, the longest relationship she has had, and one in which the two of them love one another, she says this, “John and I have been playing a game. I’ve been waiting for him to say the words, and he’s been waiting for me. Neither of us wants to say them. He’s a coward, but I am selfish, willful. I want to force him to break up with me because I know how hard it is for him. Breaking up with a virgin because she’s a virgin. What a cad. I win.” This was a great description of how some men (and boys) see women, though it is a bit dark: “...I see how guys watch her, and sometimes I have to push them away, disgusted by the arousal I witness them licking off their lips as they fantasize about her—a girl they do not know.” This sums up the story though. It was never about her virginity. It was about her secrets and trying to find the person who would treat them with care and love her no matter what ugliness lay beneath the surface. “He doesn’t say anything, as if he knows I’ve never told a soul before. That these are virgin words. That he’s the first to receive them. And he waits, holding his breath, ready to cup them in his hands and nurture them like rare gems that have never seen the light before.” July 8, 2022
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Elizabeth J ConnorWriter. Editor. Proofreader. Archives
September 2022
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